I can’t believe I’m not on the 7:57 train every morning. missing it sometimes on cold Tuesdays when it was slippery and I couldn’t walk as fast, but also in the spring and in the early summer when I felt dizzy because I wasn’t eating.
And now I’m feeling like maybe I shouldn’t leave because where would I go and what on earth would I do there? My mum says that she would be alright though because it’s always just a phone call between me and you. Spring is nearing here in Sweden and it should be a sort of peace, but I’m feeling everything but the latter. I just don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t really tell anyone but I’m losing sleep over it. Do I move on or do I stay or do both right here or just stand perfectly still because that sounds the best in my ears. But it also sounds and feels like a nightmare, a nightmare that has evidently been playing on repeat in the back of my mind since I turned 14. an escape plan without the escaping. I didn’t really tell anyone but I was losing sleep over it. I feel like I’m grieving so publicly these days.